(As promised, zombies.)
21. I love zombies. Well, love isn’t the right word, because, when you think about it, zombies are totally gross. They’re also utterly fascinating. And scary. And I can’t get enough of them.
22. I know I’ve mentioned my vivid dreams before but what I may not have mentioned is that I dream very frequently of zombies. Sometimes I jerk myself awake in the middle of the night absolutely swimming in a pool of my own sweat, my heart beating like a hummingbird’s. Those nights, I lie there trying to convince myself that zombies aren’t real, and then I wake Keith up to reassure me. Other times, I wake up smiling and cheerful after a good zombie dream.
23. Yes, I do believe there is such a thing as a good zombie dream. Here’s an example: it’s the end of the world, we’re all dead but we’ve come back as zombies and live happily in this nice zombie civilization. I’ve got a live cooking show à la Emeril Lagasse, except I’m more like the zombie Martha Stewart and I’m teaching my audience where the best cuts of meat are on a person. And I’ve a cage of free-range humans in the studio. It’s a very informative show and I have very high ratings.
24. Most of my zombie dreams are bad dreams. Here’s an example: it’s the end of the world, almost everyone is dead and I’m fighting for my life with two other survivors. They’re heavily armed with guns and machetes, but for some reason all I’ve got is the hardcover edition of Harry Potter number five, which I’ve been swinging at zombies’ heads with surprising success. (It’s a big book.) Then, over the crest of a hill, we see a zombie swarm coming towards us, and leading the pack is a zombie Conan O’Brien. Harry Potter number five is no match for his massive zombie head, and I wake up panicking just as zombie Conan O’Brien is about to take a chunk out of my neck.
25. I have a really hard time watching The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien because sometimes he makes this one expression that looks just like zombie Conan O’Brien did before he ate my neck and it really freaks me out.